why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
