I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We are all done wearing pants today
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
