Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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