Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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