Please, let me fuck your mom
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm really busy with my period
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