i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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