the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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