You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Be still, my beating vagina.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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