Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
