Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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