it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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