I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Are we still banned from the library?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
