let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
