dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
