Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
