I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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