I smell stomach acid.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize