I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
