I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
