So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
