my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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