she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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