So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
