That's intense
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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