i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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