Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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