When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
