my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
