the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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