Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
