Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Then you guys just all showered together...?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
