On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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