her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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