I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
