i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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