Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
