I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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