The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize