I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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