Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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