took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
