Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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