Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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