Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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