I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
