One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
