Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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