he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
