He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
