Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
